I can’t believe I haven’t written since the 29th!  How time flies.  Of course, when I spend a lot of time doing stuff, I don’t have time to turn on the computer and write.  I have been writing late in the evening, but that is affecting my ability to fall asleep at night, something I am trying to fix.  I have been doing some research into the chronic health condition I suffer from (adrenal malfunction) and to heal myself, I need to get into a really good daily rythm, going to bed early, getting up early, eating properly, and avoiding stress.  All stress.  Which is really difficult right now because my life is undergoing potentially some major change at present… I’m not going to write too much about it publically as until things are worked through, I need to keep some things to myself. 

I did my Tarot cards a few weeks ago, and this is the card I pulled in the position of “my environment”:

It’s really quite self-explanatory if you ask me.  Lightening strikes down your tower of security, tearing things asunder, tossing you to the wind and the depths below.  I redid my cards last night and this card came up again, this time it came up in the position one, or what energy is affecting me right now.  Hmmm…. Yup. 

It’s interesting that this card moved from a position indicating external forces to one representing internal ones.  But that is exactly what is happening in my life.  Someone else shattered my tower two weeks ago.  Now I’m taking things apart myself.  The chinese symbol for crisis (危機) is often said to be composed of the symbols for ‘danger’ and ‘opportunity.’  This is how I see what is going on right now.  It is indeed dangerous – I stand to have something I’ve worked towards for a long time taken away or at least seriously undermined.  But it also frees me to restructure where I am going, and that is a welcome thought.

 The last few nights I have been waking up in the middle of the night several times each night.  It’s quite exhausting, but this is part of the condition I suffer from.  It is cyclic and every month I go through a number of days of this very restless sleep.  Last night, around 3am, when I awoke for the third or fouth time with adrenaline pumping through my veins and my heart pounding in my chest, it became suddenly very clear to me that I absolutely have to put my health first and foremost in my life.  I MUST get this stress under control, and to hell with everything else.  If I don’t, I’m going to kill myself.  This condition is serious, much more serious than I realized, and it’s time for me to make caring for myself my number one priority.  And the only way to do so is to find the strength to make what is deep in my heart happen.  Until I am living the life I really want to live, I will always feel stressed and anxious.

This weekend I started this new approach to life.  I didn’t go near my office, or even turn on my computer.  Instead, I spent a lot of time with the dogs, training at the farm, walking in fields, working in my garden, and cooking.  Oh, and for the first time in recent (and not-so-recent) memory, I took a nap.