I haven’t written for a while because I’ve been extremely busy, and also really depressed. I find these two things tend to happen together for me all the time – I get busy, I get run down, my energy crashes and then I get depressed. That’s been the last few weeks for me and this past 10 days or so have been particularly tough. I’m feeling better today, probably in part because I’m catching up on things I enjoy doing around the house, such as taking care of the garden and spending time with my animals. I’m just having a quick snack before taking the dogs out for a run. I have to work tonight at 5pm, so that cuts my day in half, especially since I didn’t get up until 10am this morning! What a slug (I was up until 1:30am…)
That my body still crashes like this when I start to push myself is very, very frustrating. It also comes from not having my life where I want it to be, and is a strong reminder that I need to keep working at making change. There’s a lot I like in my life, and a lot I need to change. I need to find a way to hold on to the good (my pets, my friends, my food and gardening experiments, my research, my writing – here and elsewhere) and let go of the bad (the stress that comes from feeling like I have very little control over my life, and also from being unemployed with many bills to pay).
I have actually been working fairly hard at making change in my life this couple of months, but unfortunately nothing has worked out. I believe very strongly that when things are right, they are easy. Since nothing has worked out that wouldn’t have required extremely complex contortions to make happen, I have decided to stay put for the moment. I am trying really hard to focus on taking one day at a time and not worrying (too much) about what’s down the road. I am accomplishing this today, which is a first this week. Every other day I have worked myself into such a dark, depressive state that it’s been frightening.
Yesterday I told myself enough’s enough! Just because almost every day I’ve had some negative news (a small contract I had been granted might not work out because of stupid administrative problems at their end, a scholarship I was hoping to get was declined, a prospect to move to a sheep farm didn’t work out, and so on), doesn’t mean that things won’t get better. Even though it feels that way some time.
Ironically, the dogs have been a point of focus for a number of people, who have pointed out how much they (the dogs) inhibit me from “moving forward” with my life. I am used to this and usually just ignore such comments, but if I reflect upon them I really wonder how people can even think this way. My dogs (and cats) are such an incredible blessing in my life. They are not only my unconditional friends and family, but they are my guides and my teachers. Without them, I would never have learned about holistic medicine, or become so fascinated with food politics, gardening, cooking and health. I wouldn’t be half the teacher I am either. Plus I would probably be hospitalized or dead right now had I not learned what I know now – through my animals – and found better ways of managing my own health, plus had them by my side when things have been tough. Like now. I still have much to learn, but I have come a long, long, long way and it is entirely because of my animal companions.
How can they possibly be a burden?
I wish I could explain this to these nay-sayers, but I don’t know that they would understand. So I say nothing and let the comments pass through me as best I can.
Well I had better get down to exercising the dogs. They’ve been out all morning with me while I gardened, but they only have a small space to lie in while I do so. At least they’ve had sun and fresh air, but now they need exercise before I go to work. It’s supposed to rain heavily for the next 2-3 days so I will probably find more time to write. Until then…